The Camper With The Shades
by John Morrison Invades TDI
Summary: A Total Drama parody of , home to The Nostalgia Critic and Todd's Pop Song Reviews.
1. The Phrase That Fails

**The Camper With The Shades: A Total Drama parody of **

**Hi guys its John Morrison Invades TDI here! This fic here will be a play on popular segments from such as The Nostalgia Critic and Todd's Pop Song Reviews. It will be multi-chapter, but updated not as frequently as Total Drama Next and CAW (need to get to work ASAP for those two) However, I still promise that it'll be entertaining enough to keep readers hooked.**

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs; anything else belongs to Fresh TV or their respective owners.**

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**The Drama Critic (Noah And Izzy)

Noah- Hey what's up, loyal viewers of Total Drama, it's Noah here, along with my co-host, the princess of crazy Izzy. And we have an exciting show here for you.

Izzy- All right, I love Fanfiction as I love sleeping with California King Snakes. We review the works of Fanfiction fans every week, be it good, bad or pure ugly.

Noah- First, before we start off, we'd like to thank the fans for their enthusiastic response to the initiation of this show. In our first week alone, we received whopping 99 requests for a certain Fanfic to be reviewed.

Izzy- Now that's crazy, still not as crazy as the time where I shipped myself onto a missile heading for Cuba. It was a blast! Drum roll please...

(Drum roll. Izzy rolls here eyes upwards to complement the sound effect)

Izzy- It's none other than **thephrasethatpais** by dunkieishawt. I think we're gonna have a whale of a time reviewing this!

Noah- All's good and well in the Total Drama Fanfiction Archive. In these stories, Owen farts, Courtney denies (or more recently, Heather) and I throw in a snarky comment or two.

Izzy- All of a sudden, a female descends onto the Archive.

(Cue music)

"Hold your head high heavy heart.  
So take a chance and make it big,  
Cause it's the last you'll ever get.  
If we don't take it, when will we make it?  
I make plans to break plans,  
And I've been planning something big, planning something big, planning."

Izzy- She's named... Jasmine Alice Canary Ramirez Tansho. And people think Isabella Etna O-Hara' Slater is long.

Noah- So our protagonist who thinks Japanese is kawaii launches a tsunami upon us. And by the time it has receded, the damage is inconceivable. Now let's view some of the reviews.

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"On a scale of 1-10, 1 being lowest..

spelling? 0

grammar? 0

idea? 2-3

originality? 4-5

ability to make me laugh for 10 minutes, cause you spelt shirt wrong and the sentence turned out 'I have a black shit with boobs?'? +2 :P"

**bellask8er**

"I have an account, but I'm unmotivated to log in.

Listen, sweety.

I have flamed you and reported you repeatedly. Now, I'm getting everybody else in on it. We have united as one, in a group named Wildfire. As our name implies, we are here not only to flame, but sear. We will continue to flame, until this fic burns to the ground.

The fire multiplies, because our numbers grow each day, we multiply like Rotavirus.

You have the gall to admit to being a troll, andwe agree; you are.

As such, like all trolls, you need to be stomped out. We will not stop, so don't try us.

You're going down, Haley, down in flames.

I, Shadowed Theatre, Leader of the Burning, will destroy you myself if need be. You should know better than to play with Fire."

**Shadowed Theatre**

"i read ONE chapter. ONE. now that i'm back from the hospital and my eyes are no longer crying blood, i'm going to explain some things to you.

first, this story is APALLING, a word i doubt you can spell correctly.

second, you can't even spell the characters NAMES right. seriously, it's Geoff, Chris, and Duncan.

third, your typing in textspeak. WHAT THE HELL.

fourth, you completely ignore the thousands of flames begging you to stop torturing us with your miserible fic. apparently, this review won't be noticed by you, so i'm going to send it in PM as well.

finally, the characters are so OOC that you should just rename them and turn them into new characters. my God...

go ahead, call me a fucking stupid Gwen lover, or in your native language of Fail, "fukin stoopid gwen luver". She's my fourth favorite character. Duncan cheated on Courtney, and he kissed Gwen. he's the one at fault- not to say Gwen's completely off the hook, but she's definitely better off.\ and doesn't deserve the number of haters she gets.

i told myself i wouldn't read this, but seriously? the FAIL that was emmanating off of it pulled me in. i just had to tell you this, even if you completely ignore me."

**Hawkfire111**

* * *

Izzy- Oh...k. These reviews don't really put this fiction in a positive light. Without further ado, let's get into the story!

"Heyyy! Im Jasmine Alice Canary Ramirez Tansho and im way more kawaii then u, ok? In im so much cooler den u that dunkin luvs me. Ja, he luvz my shiny, shouldr-length blonde hair with purple and blue streaks that luks wai cooler than that loser gwen's hiar. Yeah, she stole the blu hair idea frum me cuz im just that haawt and sexiiiii.

I have a blak shit w/ boobz and a blue one under it that matches the blue in my hair and I were tight, sexy purple pants that maek my ass look even hawter. I also have fishnets on my arms cuz my x-bf Jeff thinks tehy make me look sexxy. (Jeff & I went owt 2 years ago, he was a total loser though and he didnt even no how 2 make out!)

NEway, I wuz sittin in my room watchin rerunz of Total Drama Iland wen my cell phone ringed. It was Kris! "hey hawty, do u wanna cum 2 the sho an hang wit the campers?"

"Ttly!" I screemed, uber-exsited."

Noah- What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin- What?

Samwell- I said what what, in the butt...

(Stone Cold hits a Stunner on Samwell)

Noah- Thank you, Stone Cold. Now, this girl wears a "blak shit w/ boobz". Firstly, how can a shirt have breasts?

Izzy- Izzy is the Master of Magic, but even she can't do that. Not E-Scope, Explosivo, Esquire or even Brainzilla! This girl's writing makes me look normal. Really? Ttly?

Noah- And of course she bashes Gwen. I'm not the biggest fan of Gwen, but it's indeed shallow to criticize Gwen with no rhyme or reason.

Izzy whips out "Short Man Official Lady Gaga Dictionary- 100% more Rah" from her shit, I mean shirt.

Izzy- This is a chore. Izzy can't even recognize 90% of these words that dunkieishawt wrote.

Noah- Alright, let's continue.

"OMG!" I screemed. A bot that wuz just lik the ones frum the ferst episode that all the camperz were ridin on was rite outsid my house!1 I run on2 it and do a backflip onto it cuz im coole nough 2 be able to do backflips.

Izzy- Yeah, a backflip, that's a big deal. In his stories, John Morrison Invades TDI makes me do 900 degree back tucks!

John Morrison Invades TDI- I'm guilty as charged. Just kidding, but I'm not appalled to see her do backflips. After all, most poorly written OCs can do a backflip!

**lyk? review kk? if u dont revew then ur a fukin stoopid gwen luver! SHE STOLE DUNNKI FROM MEH11!1**

Noah- Oh, we're Gwens if we don't review. That's a blessing in disguise. Gwen outlasted both of us in all three seasons and had a whiff of the million back on Total Drama. Only a fool would shun such treatment.

Izzy- And it fails even more when one considers her reasoning. She stole Dunnki From Meh? Given the way you've been writing, it's no surprise if Duncan left you, not the other way round.

Noah- Ah, sweet relief. With that the first chapter is over. The first out of a hefty TWENTY-FIVE!

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OMFG A CHAPTER!1111111111REVIEW NO FLAMES! Im seryous about the story bitchiies. I'm not a troll1!1111 I'm so pretty!11 an S3xiiiii1!1

Noah- Eee! A new chapter. Congratulations honey, it all goes downwards from here. Wait a minute, it already did.

"YeAh, tewtally, Gwen its over. Plus courtney its over too, and newg stole Jasmine's hair. Which is sooooo kawaii!"

Gwen raan to tha hotel and cried.

Izzy- Mary Sue Rule #34- Always use some unknown word like kawaii when confronted with a character clearly less flawed than yourself. 100% success.

Especialy Noaah "Omg ur soooo hyawt! I'm now tewtally strait now!1!"

"U basterd! She's mien1!1 yah im lesbo nao1" bRIDGETTE yalled

Noah- No! No! No! Don't drag me into this, I thought you liked Duncan and Duncan liked you!

Izzy- Apparently Izzy knows that Mary Sues make everyone fall in love with them.

**PLZ STOP FLAMIN1!1 I'm NOT an troll, whatEVer that is. this sint a trollfic! I tried to put efort into this chapter! Stop flaminplz.**

Today I wock up. I put on mah faaave A black n pink n purple miniskirt with a panic at da disco tshiiirrt over mah blu brah. I wor mah highlighter blu vans and put in a butterfly nosering. I put on knee haigh kyut socks. I looked so hot and indie!1!1 Tehn I met Duncan and we went to the pool and went to the lounge chairs.e

Dunkin and I were mackin our (**omfg isnt he sooooo hawt?**) wen kodi and bridge came owt. They were all emo n werin blak cuz cody luved noha who love me and bridge lovd me but kissin gurlz is gros so I had 2 say nein (**LOL NINE**) plus im with dunkie.

Anway so we wuz makin out and he was about to take off mi sexy pants and he gotz to 12th basee wen noah walked up 2 us! "wut the fuk r u doin" he esked. Dunkin took his hawt lips of mien an said "were makin out dumbass what does it look like? Im fell the boobs inher shit."

Noha shuffed duncan an said "SHES MINE U NATSY BASTURD!11!y" dunkin an I were so surpissed.

Anyway noah jumpd on me an started humpin me! it wus so hat and I coul feed his erekshun but I luv dunkin so I pushed her off an said "EW U FREAK GET OFF ME."

HE WAS SO Surprise.d and douch-y tha t he slappppd me. "u bitch u no wat I ha8 you!11" and he runned off and jumpd on codey and they started makin out (**isnt that so hawt? Yaoi!**)

"wow what a freek, ur so beutifl and perfekt and I love you" said duncan with sexyness in his voice. We started makin out again and I stuck my hand in his pants and he grabbed my ass and it was so hawt.

But then...

**omg clif hanger! No flmaing!1!**

Noah- Now I get stuck like glue onto this airhead and become fodder for her. And what in the world? I make out with Cody? For the last time, I'm not gay!

Izzy- Izzy would say "Yes", but Izzy wouldn't be inclined to agree with this abomination of an author.

So then, liek Duncan stopped mackin me. (Sooo not hawt!111) And then he ran to

Newg and started talkin to gwen!111111111111

I was sooooo fucking surprissed! "Dunkin~!#R$# ur cheatin"

"No, Jamine Alice Starkit Ramirez Tansho!1! I luuuv u and no one!"

"Toooo l8 Duncain, I h8 u!" and I ran off

Then brrudget was abput to jump "omg noo! Don't jump1!"

But she did and I caught her and kissed her! (Grlz r so yummi!)

Then courtni was soo surpriiised and slapped Dunki! "Culdn't u see I secretly

luuuved u? Stop luvin herr!"

And she ran off while I macked on sexiii bridgee :) :) :)

Noah- Wow, Duncan cheats on you for **talking** to Gwen. Lady, you must have issues.

Izzy- Starkit? What does that have to do with Canary? At least other Mary Sues retain their name throughout! And finally, Duncan sees the light.

Noah- Heck, what's with the change of heart? Now you're ruining Bridgette, another good character.

Izzy- Come on, Izzy loves yaoi and yuri, but this is so awful. Bridgette would not do that in reality.

Justyme used SUPOR UBER SEXIII PELVIK TRUUUUUST!

He dyed!1 OIMFGGGG. There was blud everwhere? I started cyring! He had died over meh! I cyred "JUSTYN DON'T LEV ME! I LUV U!11!"

Noah- I'm sure you meant anti-me there. And really, he dominates his adversary with a pelvic thrust?

Izzy- Pelvik Trust Inc. keeps your money safe and sound... and makes sure you lose every single penny.

Noah- To avail yourself to the services of Pelvic Trust Inc, call 1800 69696969.

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N we walked inot...

TRENT N A BERA HAVIN SEZZUAL INNERCOARSE!1111!11!1!1!111!1!

Noah- No comment. Seriously, how do you expect me to have something coherent to say about bestiality?

Izzy- Izzy had a bear boyfriend before, but we didn't go all the way to 34th base.

THE VOLCANOE ERECTED! WHITE HOT LAVA SHOT UP IN the AIR. IT CAME DOWN SUPER RED HOT!~

i ran away and drank da last of das vodka cuz i was thirst! I ranned to the camp cuz it was close but not too close to get burned!

Noah- Nice personification. I didn't know that volcanoes had man bits.

Izzy- I don't even have anything to say about this. Let's skip to the end.

OMFG! LAST CHOTER! Ladidood editd dis 1! (ty33333)

Ladydude Kawaii Tansho-McKleine wsd a bountiful babii. b4 i ven saw him i new: she was PERFEKT!

He had pink haor nd bleu eyes. Hiss skin was soooo wite! I new je coldn't b chefs cuz shef is black.

"Its teh syko killahs" i deciduated.

teh baby aslo had purplee freckles.

"lets nME HIM Ldydude kawai tansho-mcclean" Kris sagt so we narmd him ladydude kawaii tansho-mcclean.

evry1 wanted 2 hold my new newborn baby. I dint want them too but tehn I let Noha jold him nd he cyred happy teras of jo. He locked codry nd tehy decide to have a babe 2.

every1 was so happeh 4 me exept NEWG EW cuz she suckles.

TEH END!

Tehres gun be a sequirrl!1 ill typ he 1 chapt sooooooon! Itl be a creat-ur-own-OC fik so plz mack an oc333!

Noah- Oh, she got pregnant. And gave birth to a pink-haired baby who grew up and became Nicki Minaj.

Lil Wayne- Yeah, Young Money!

(Stone Cold gives Wayne a Stunner)

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Izzy- And that concludes the abysmal phrasethatpais. That reminded me of my uncle Molotov, except that Molotov writes much better.

Noah- This female Pomeranian clearly has the lyrical ability of Soulja Boy...

Soulja Boy- YOOOU!

(Stone Cold pummels the rapper with a third Stunner)

Noah- ... and is as drunk as Ke$ha. Also, if you can spell words like "marijuana" correctly, you should be able to do better.

Izzy- This story actually makes Izzy feel like a normal kid again. Such is the terrible writing of dunkieishawt.

Noah- This is like getting Hepatitis B from playing Mario Kart. A larger magnitude of failure could not possibly exist!

Izzy- I shudder at the thought of her initiating a sequel. Or squirrel? Squirrels are kawaii! You know I was just kidding.

**Final Rating: If there was a Z rating, this fic would cut the cheese**

Noah- And that's a wrap for this edition's Drama Critic. I'm Noah...

Izzy- and this is Izzy. See you all next week.

"Glass Shatters" (Stone Cold's theme) plays to end the episode.

**And that's it folks, we've come to the end of the inaugural Drama Critic.**

**To make things more interesting, I'm opening the floor to a vote. I know that the audience had no say in "thephrasethatpais", but I figured I would eliminate one of the most popular candidates first. Reviewers can now vote on which Fanfiction they want Noah and Izzy to do next. Voting will be closed the next time the Drama Critic airs, which is in a month. **

**This is JoMoInvadesTDI, and these have been my reactions to thephrasethatpais. **


	2. Cool Story, Not!

Noah- Hello all loyal viewers this is the Wizard of Wisdom Noah and my partner, the Icon of Insanity Izzy here.

Izzy- Izzy was so glad that the viewers were so enthusiastic about the show. We received whopping 100 requests alone this week.

Noah- Now who is this individual?

Izzy looks at the laptop containing the name of the chapter's "victim".

Izzy- All right, roll the credits!

THE END

**The Drama Critic is brought to you by JohnMorrisonInvadesTDI and Ratorade: Is Chuck Norris In You?**

The credits end with Izzy getting dragged back in by security.

Izzy- Oh my, this is not good.

Noah- I've a bad feeling about this... because it's **CoolStoryBro** we're doing today.

Izzy- And the story in question is "Wassup My Ni"...

Noah- Ninjas, we don't want to offend anyone. Which the author has clearly done here.

Izzy- Ninjas are cool though. Even though I managed to kick some of their asses while in Japan.

Noah- I don't wish to know about that, but I doubt I'd be placated by this story either. All right let's begin. The story begins with a song, which is terrible by the way.

Izzy- That's an understatement. Izzy may have to call up Chuck Norris to find this song "No Hands", because we haven't heard of this.

Noah- Chuck Norris?

Izzy- Yeah my uncle knows him personally. He was Vern Van Gag. That's the guy who dropped his ear into my salad.

**BAD PUN ALERT!**

Noah- All right, that was too much information. Back to the story, the song was actually the best part of the chapter...

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Yo wats up my niggas! Today we doin OC story! Dats rite niggas, a storee about my OC Olubowale Weezy Akintimehinon Cater in Total Rahma Worl Toor! Remumba Weezy Da Illest!

Wats up my niggas tis is da illest guy on da plahnut Olubowale Weezy Akintimehinon Cater. I stan up for everun in the hood. Dats right these niggas wan me on Total Drahma Worl Toor! I was trippin with my brahs Waka and Roscoe when they tolod ma thy neddid a true nigga fo tis seesun!

Izzy- Right what it says on the tin, the chapter opens with the titular words.

Noah- And boy, did it suck. So he introduces his own creation Olubowale Weezy Akintimehinon Cater. Wow that's a breath of fresh air from thephrasethatpais.

Izzy- Wait a minute, Olubowale Cater? Oh we get it, that's your "OC".

Izzy's eyes gleam.

Izzy- **Bad Pun Alert! **And he actually named the OC "Weezy". Isn't that Lil Wayne?

Noah- His name was Dwayne Carter, so Dwayne or Carter would have been fine.

Izzy- But instead, Coolstorybro chooses "Weezy", which is Dwayne Carter's nickname and is not a real word! And what's with the spelling? My pet snake Seething could spell better!

Noah- So, said OC gets selected for TDWT. Sounds like typical fodder to me.

Izzy- Except that he is friends with Waka and Roscoe...

Noah- Who have been established as the rappers in "No Hands" a jiffy ago. So, OC is somehow friends with two (in)famous rappers at the start.

Izzy- Izzy knows a lot of famous people, like Albert Einstein, but this author's boasting is just terrible. What is "I stan up for everun in the hood"?

Stan Marsh- Gah!

Noah- Oh, I see.

* * *

So tis nigga go on a bas and leeve da hood! But dem niggas trippin me! 2 odda new niggas, Seeara an Alehandro joinin! Dam mus get rid of tis niggas, dem Spayn! So da to Spayn niggas toked wile I had nuthin to do! Tis nigga anger! So wen da nigga wit a dick Alehandro go to wee I foloe! Seera to retartd to foloe!

Noah- And CoolStoryBro stumbles through this verse, managing to get several easy words wrong. Seriously, "Spayn"?

Izzy- And Izzy knows that "Alejandro" is spelt with a j, not an h.

Noah- Besides, what's up with all the "N" expletives? Guess your mom probably got knocked up and got destroyed on the Maury show.

Izzy- And you want to kill off Sierra and Alejandro... because they're great characters and you're a spotlight-hogging abomination.

Noah- Let's guess what happens next. Alejandro turns into a bulldozer...

Izzy- Because You Cannot Kung Fu On Bulldozer!

When da Spayn nigga weeing, ma eus Tunda Panch from Pokemon on da nigga, wit rel tunda! Da nigga dreenk toylat bol watar, and dyed! I wuz WAAAAH! Kris say wut? ALEHANDRO DYED! Eveurn see Alehandro no moveen! Kris say tis nigga deid! Seeara wen to ha retarted blog and say OH MY GOES! ALEHANDRO DEID! Imma shat dis bitch up!

* * *

Noah-...

Izzy- Pokemon, gotta catch them all!

Noah- Really, Thunder Punch from the Pokemon games? This is really stupid, even Jasmine does not use choreographed moves from a video game!

Izzy- Oh my, if this is not fail, then what is? Damn CoolStoryBro, you ruined my childhood!

Noah- And CoolStoryBro was so inept at describing a simple weeping scene that he had to use onomatopoeia.

Izzy- Kris say tis n-a deid?

(Flashback)

It was Kris! "hey hawty, do u wanna cum 2 the sho an hang wit the campers?"

Izzy- dunkieishawt is DaCoolStoryBro?

Noah- Oh My Goes! (Pauses) My bad, as all viewers can see, this was what CoolStoryBro wrote.

Izzy- These two are truly a match made... in hell.

* * *

So wen Kris sleapin me crohule to Seeara and yoused Sykick! It supa efecktiv! Seeara dyed! But Seeara luk like my lil mama wen she deid, so I yous Hary Potta cloke and caree her to a plays all niggas canot see! I tuk off her clodes and I see dat she so buteefol! I put my dick incyd my dyed baby mama and we fuckin! After ten menit of good fuckin, I cryed and say Kris dat Seeara dyed! Wit no clodes! Kris say OH NOES! Deeres a killa! Lukly, nuthin els hapund on da way to da plays.

Noah- Today's Drama Critic is brought to you by the word "crohule", which I have no idea what it is.

Izzy- Psykick? Or Psychic. Izzy would love to use psychic powers... but not in a Total Drama Fanfiction!

Noah- Literally adding insult to injury, the protagonist decides to have sex with Sierra, who has kicked the bucket at this point!

Izzy- Izzy can endure lots of things, but necrophilia is certainly not one of those. This story is worse than a D-list Horror Movie.

Aftur a wile, we reech da plays. My niggas like Cody, Owen and Duncan deere. Holla to Olubowale Weezy Akintimehinon Cater, Kris say! Holla everun sau. You can call ma Wale I say.

Ten we on da playn and we do the Cum Fly Wit Us.

Cum fly wit us, cum fly wit us, everun say.

Ten we niggas on to da perameyd fo da furs chalenj. Sum niggas on fiyer, like ma! But oddr niggas like Duncan and Cortnee and Gwen no so lukee, Duncan my brah qweet! OH NOES! Da ress of da rays waz da shit! Ma nigga DJ anger a ma tho. In da end, we niggas in tree grups, ma in Teem Kris Is Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Rialee Hot!

MOHRYUL: I got hur nigga, grosarie bag!

Noah- Hey, what's with the "Cum Fly With Us" gag? Kid, do you need a time machine, because that gag is old and reeks of bad cheese.

Izzy- So that's the first chapter. This goof ended up killing Silly Beans and Alejandro just to accommodate his idiotic Stu. What's not to love?

Noah- It could get worse...

Bat we lust plays! So ma hav good idyeah! Ma use Sleap Podah on Teem Vicktree Ezekial LaShawna Lensae DJ Harold! Teem Viktree sleap and we sacund plays! Baht Kris my nigga say Teem Viktree no lus wet! If we niggas hav our ohbjek we no elymanayton saramone. Bat Teem Viktree no ohbjek so got saramone! Dem niggas elymanayton Ezekial at da saramone! They say Yah Trick Yah to Ezekial!

Noah- Wow, he feels horny when watching a Shakespearean tragedy.

Izzy- And more Pokemon comes thereafter. (Sniggers) I wonder what's the demographic for this story.

Aftah da elymanayton saramone, I see Birdget c ry! I usk hur why she cry. She say Geoff no here! I say Ay Bay Bay we havr sex! Ans she say Yah! So we niggas fuckin! Afte a wile she feel like doing doo doo and then I say yah, yo can doo doo on my chessld nigga body! I feel so luky! I lyke Brigete doo doo! Aftah dayt we go and bayte and fuckin! In the baytub! My dick fel so gr8 in her durte pussy!

Noah- Doo doo? Oh Lord, I'm feeling queasy. (Gags)

Izzy- What went on in the author's mind when he or she wrote this?

* * *

Yah everybodeh tode I lurn how to use bowld! Tanks to ma loyel frend Weezy007. Weezy007 da illest!

Noah- And of course, what's a story without a no-name proofreader.

Izzy- This Weezy007 without a shadow of a doubt, is someone who we can't take seriously.

Noah- Who names themselves after Lil Wayne and expects to be taken seriously?

Yah niggas I fel so fly afta da sex! I waek up in da moarneng and brahsh my teef wit a botel of Jack. Then ma eat. I see Birdget =) at ma. Den I tink of da gr8 sex yesturdaie. O baby mama need no Geoff, she hav Olubowale Weezy Akintimehinon Cater! Alriyt so da next chalung is da Japen chalung. Fo the Japen chalung we of cors need da illest girl rapper, Hurajooku Barbee Nicki Manaj! We seng Moman 4 Lyf!

Izzy- Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. You're not Ke$ha, you Gary Stu!

Noah- And he dismisses Gidgette (Geoff/Bridgette), because his character is that perfect.

Izzy- And Nicki Minaj appears! What does she have to do with Japan?

Noah- I can see the effort being put in here. (Sniggers)

At nit, ma and baby mama Brigget fuckin! Jos den, Cortnee com in! Nigga dem sad. She say no Duncan! So Brygete was kyned and us Cortnee to joyne! So we 3 niggas fuckin. Aftah a wile, both Briget and Cortnee need to doo doo, so nigga lay down. Tis nigga reymambo da Lay It Down sohn.

Noah- Not the "Doo Doo Of Death" again!

Scatman- I'm the Scatman!

Izzy- Think of the children!

* * *

[Bridge:]  
All my fellas say lay, lay, lay  
Wanna lay it down, so I can lay you down  
All my ladies say lay, lay, lay  
Wanna lay it down, so I can lay you down  
.com/lay_it_down_lyrics_

Noah- I spy with my tearing eyes, a song lyric.

Izzy- Oh, we know that your a thief, CoolStoryBro.

Noah- If it wasn't obvious how little effort he put into this, it's apparent now.

Izzy- CoolStoryBro, want Izzy to teach you the art of the kleptomaniac? But I doubt you will compute anything I teach.

Noah- Finally, the last part is STOLEN from his own story.

Izzy- (Types "CoolStoryBro" in Google Search) Did you mean "idiot"?

Mane you niggas trippin cuz ma got all dat stax on deck! Weezy da illest! Dat Green n Yalo shit hot!

Noah- What? "stax on deck"? Wow, you're trying to say that you're rich. That's got to leave a mark on us.

Izzy- "No Comment" would have been a better putdown, by miles.

We niggas triippin when Kris cum in. Yo ma niggas, you niggas meet dis shawty! She dam fresh! He say. We niggas excytd!

Noah- Chris may be incorrigible, but that's no reason to make him a gangster. What show are you watching?

Izzy- The only person that speaks like that is Matt, my pet monkey.

* * *

So what I'm gonna do now is  
Freak the Freak Out (Hey!)

Whoa (4x)

Noah- Oh Lord, have mercy on us.

Izzy- No, not Victoria Justice!

Yah ma dick hard! I pull ma Swag out and rock dat shit! Yah niggas tis shawty Viktria Justice! Hi she say! Nigga fel wyt stufa outta ma dick! Tis shawty fresh! Neva! Birdjegt say! Yah trick Yah! Ma say!

Noah- He gets an erection from seeing Victoria Justice. And jerks off out in the open!

Izzy- Why isn't anyone stopping him? I shudder at what happens next, considering the author's partiality for caliginous stuff.

Baby mama Brig stret up trippin and dat shawty osed trunsfom! Shawty becum Kasha fo We R Who We R!

Noah- The fail continues as the protagonist's "magic" transcends to Bridgette.

Izzy- And what does Bridgette use this "magic" for? She becomes someone who makes a living from acting drunk.

Noah- Only in this feeble attempt at a story we will find one of the most sensible protagonists ruined.

Baby mama luk so sexy in red pantys! Ma dick hard again!

Now Cortnee jelos! Shawty did da Peekok!

Izzy- And to compund our misery, Miss. CIT is morphed into Katy Perry.

* * *

Noah- Thus, the challenge ends abruptly and Team Amazon is victorious (no pun intended) once more.

Izzy- After which, we get this "gem" of a segment, which quite frankly makes the strongest stomachs churn.

Ma shawty Viktree Justice sadenly wen bayroom! Dis nigga dixck hard and yous Pokemon Xtremsped! Ma go in batroom and hyd bahin da cortan. Shawty hav dierea (MA SPEL DAT SHYT WOYNG LUST TYMW) n mayk sexy noses! Wen shawty do hur thang I ren and SUPRYC BATSEX! Uh ma dick fel damn swagin in ma bab mama hol!

Noah- After using another Pokemon technique, the protagonist hides in the bathroom. Ugh.

Izzy- Why would he want to do that? It makes him look like a pervert with no scruples.

Noah- And they begin sexing each other. Keep in mind kids; this is a 17-year old Nickelodeon star.

Izzy- I award kudos to those who haven't hurled yet, because more impunity will arise.

Sadnly all da shawty fom Tem Amson ren in! Dem shawtys all huv dirrea! As all dem shawty stan ubov ma and do they thang, I fel lyk duin Justen Bayber!

Izzy- Bieeeeeeeber...

Noah- The author has officially lost his bearings here. With teen stars like Justice and Bieber making cameos, this story is at the bottom of the barrel for Total Drama fiction.

Izzy- The plot has no coherence, challenges have been curtailed to accommodate poorly written rated R scenes, and the author pilfers 90% of his "work" from lyric sites.

Noah- But wait, there's still more.

Yah dis nigga fel so duurt! Bot dam Weezy Da Illest!

Noah- Turns out it was nothing worth waiting for. This is incomprehensible.

Izzy- This begs the question of this author's love for Lil Wayne. In each of the chapters, the author rattles "Weezy Da Illest".

Noah- I think he's trying to make it a catchphrase. If he is doing so, he could not have failed more.

* * *

Ma lisen to No Hands on ma Ipod when shawty Viktria Justace find ma.

Noah- Wow, there's obligatory product placement for "No Hands". Like we've never seen that before.

Izzy- Ironically, these two words may be one of the precious few terms he spells correctly in this story.

Oh you so hot n sexy like Snoop she say. Mane you hot like Kate Pery I say. AND WE MAYKOUT! Dam Weezy da illest! Ma grab her sexy ass and Cody sow. He pull his dick out cos it so hot!

Noah- It's Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg folks. Guess what song they're going to do next.

Izzy- Not that awful song! And Cody acts like an even bigger pervert, getting aroused by one of the worst make out sessions ever.

Den Kris ma nigga say we in nyc! Ya niggas kno dat plays wit Statoo O Leborte. Now befo we dod tudae chalung befo we do dat shit we sangin Kris say. Niggas kno any nyc sohn Kris usk? Ma kno Viktria say Celfronia Gurls by Katty and Snoop. Gud eyda Kris say. And ma sexy Wale can be Snoop Viktria say.

Noah- Gee, Statoo O Leborte. Didn't know such a landmark existed.

Izzy- And in an extremely anti-climatic move, California Gurls is introduced as the first song. Like we all didn't see it coming when they teased it earlier.

Noah- Wait, a California song in New York City? The author either wants to take a beating from New Yorkers or he is just that dumb. From what we've seen so far, it's likely to be the latter.

Man dat shit hot Kris say. Bcos of dat joint niggas from Ahmason and Teem Wale Is Rale Hot win! Wayt ma DJ say homboy fogot abot da chalung. All rite fogot abot da chalung. You niggas mast jomp off da Statu O Laborte! Mane yo trippin Hetter say. Stuped ho yo go fo yo teem Kris say. Ho els wanna go Kris usk. Ma Lensae sae ma Tyler say.

Izzy- Thankfully, DJ restores some sanity after Chris tries to end the challenge in the poorest way possible.

Noah- Alas, the last vestiges of sanity quickly fade as Heather, of all people, falls victim to aggrandizing gangster talk.

Izzy- And so do Lindsay and Tyler.

* * *

All rite these niggas gonna jomp off Satu O Laborte. Lensae go forst and she deid! Menwil we begon anuda rap! Ma trensfom a gutar! Weezy Da Illest!

Noah- Sweet, innocent Lindsay dies? Only Heaven Almighty would know what is going through the mind of this snake right now.

Izzy- And to add insult to injury, this is totally ignored by the author as he forces upon us more distasteful rap music.

(Viktria)  
Awe fuck it  
Give me that damn bucket

Noah- Oh, and the Nickelodeon teen star cusses. What a great role model.

Izzy- Only in the demented mind of this author could such an event occur.

Ma used Fiya Blust Pokemon and da cloths came ohf. Cody pull out his dick bcos dat shit hot!

Noah- Why not reprise an infamous scene from TDI while at it, only without any humor?

Izzy- Fiya Blust? Dude, you're no Pokemon, Fire Blast does not exist in the Total Drama universe!

* * *

Ma nigga ma say ma got two Ravyves from Pokemon. We niggas wen doun to da deid bodes. All rite sence Wale hav da Ravyves dat nigga choss whu to sav.

Noah- The Pokemon love continues with the Stu introducing two more items from the series.

Izzy- To reinforce the fact that he is a Stu, Wale gets to CHOOSE who he wants to save.

Noah- The next stretch is full of "On"s, which we'll not replicate for the sake of viewers. The pause says hello.

You ma nigga but Cody ma bestest nigga and I kno he lyke Hetter.

Izzy- Cody/Heather? I don't mind fanon, but this has no build up whatsoever, except for that dreaded Fire Blast scene.

Noah- The rest of the chapter is filler, with everyone making out and Soulja Boy making ANOTHER cameo.

Izzy- If it wasn't obvious that this author likes Soulja Boy, it's clear as crystal now.

* * *

Noah- And thus concludes another brain bleaching episode for myself and Izzy.

Izzy- This story has provided excruciating pain for all readers. Unfortunately, for all DaCoolStoryBro fans...

Noah- A grand total of one, by the way, who is more than likely fabricated.

Izzy-... his catalog of "stories" generally adhere to the same formula as this one.

Noah- There is no hint whatsoever that this individual will one day compose insightful material.

Izzy- He adores radio rappers, who generally scrape the bottom of the barrel in the music industry in general.

Noah- Indeed, they're worse than the pop punk "My Immortal" peddled. If anything, from "gems" such as the Trent "loving" story "Trent Parodies" and the fan's choice this week, we can conclude that the author is either younger than 12...

Izzy- ... Or inspired by dunkieishawt, he's here to annoy everyone in the archive, hopefully gaining a thoroughly undeserved 15 minutes of fame. DaCoolStoryBro is a poser, through and through.

**Final Rating:** **Z- (Story parodies thephrasethatpais, only that more cerebrum-imploding material is featured) **

Noah- Once again, our faith in Fanfiction has been destroyed, which means it's time to kick the bucket.

Izzy- I know a way to do it...

Noah- What?

Izzy- **GROCERY BAG!**

The infamous "Grocery Bag" segment from "Bedrock" plays as the lights go dim.

**Thus, yet our team of critics has put down another horrifying Fanfic. Also, I would like to add another stipulation: I will not do the same author again, which means no "Phraze That Pays" or whatever garbage that fic is called. I'm JohnMorrisonInvadesTDI, and these have been my disgusted reactions. **


End file.
